The difference between men and women is Capt’n Crunch ?

- another CL find-

O.K. – I’ve stumbled upon the crux(differences)between women and men….Men need sugar- and women need sticks(leaves, sprouts, oats)….You see- when we’re young- both boys and girls love Fruit Loops and Capt. Crunch…But as we get older- something happens in women- that doesn’t occur in men…Somewhere around 12- 13- girls(women)start to eat differently- they start to wander away from Fruit Loops and Capt. Crunch- and start foraging on sticks and grains and straw- while men continue slurping on cereal….Men never lose their desire for Capt. Crunch – Yet later in life- as women become mothers- we see them chastising their husbands for their refusal to eat sticks- and forcing their children to eat Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat(all the while looking at their father’s for relief)….

• .You can just imagine the horror at school- when the kid opens his/her lunch-pale and discovers a granola bar- instead of a Snickers Bar…..

What I’m proposing- is for women to re-discover their inner Fruit Loop- and try to re-connect with their dormant Capt. Crunch…This re-discovery will re-invigorate all your immediate and peripheral relationships- for the tacit benefit of all…Think about it – Your kids will be happier(less stress)- your husband will be happier(more sex)- and you’ll re-discover bowling and fishing – Which is really what life is all about, isn’t it?….So I’m just passing this enlightened discovery on to you(in the name of science)- in the hopes of creating a better harmony- and balancing the universe…

If any of this makes sense- then please put down your sprouts(home for aphids, knats and slug larve)- and pick up your spoon- and join me for breakfast…The first bowl is on me(hopefully not literally)…..Besides eating well- I like riding motorcycles, concerts at small venues, wine tasting and road-trips…Please inculde a pic(so I’ll have something other than the backs of cereal boxes to stare at)….

darn, I love Craigslist! -

“I Saved Latin…What Did You Ever Do??” – 25 (Culver City)
Reply to: pers-681341436@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-14, 11:52PM PDT

I found this big empty box a little daunting and I tried about a dozen different summaries, but they all seemed insincere so I decided to have a conversation instead.

Me: Well, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself: I’m just a regular guy looking for-

Me2: Yikes…

Me: What?

Me2: Really? That’s so boring.

Me: But it’s true.

Me2: No, no, how about “I’m an incredibly charismatic and sexy guy, once you get to know me. I can make you feel good in all kinds of ways.”

Me: Wow, ok, I guess that works. A little naughty.

Me2: Trust me.

Me: All right. Well, in addition to that, I’m really perceptive, imaginative, and -

Me2: *snore*

Me: What now?

Me2: Come on, you’re just rattling off adjectives now? Totally unoriginal!

Me: Oh…

Me2: Try this. “Once you get used to my dry sense of humor, I will make you piss your pants laughing. I’m smart too (*cough*Two degrees from UCLA in English and Economics*cough*). Sometimes my jokes go over even my own head. But don’t worry, I can make a poo joke now and again because, let’s face it, there’s almost nothing funnier than poo. And yes, I may put you in one of my screenplays, but hey, that comes with the territory if you’re going to hang out with a writer – a badass, kickass, awesomeass writer. But fear not, I always change the names to protect the guilty.”

Me: Hmm..that makes me sound kinda arrogant.

Me2: Don’t worry, chicks dig a little bit of that.

Me: Well, you know what’s best. *ahem* I place great value on my family and friends.

Me2: *Rolls eyes* Oh please.

Me: Fine! What would you say then?

Me2: “I’ve got great friends and a kickass family that I trust with my very life. I’ve already got a great support system, so don’t worry about me being one of those clingy guys that gets all possessive. You give me my space and I’ll give you yours.”

Me: I guess that sounds ok.

Me2: You bet your sweet keester, Meester.

Me: Well let me finish up by saying-

Me2: Oh, shut up already. “Honestly, I’m one of the coolest, funniest people I know so really you should act now before I’m off the market. Yes, you may get put on a waiting list, but I’m worth the wait. I’m a great listener, a cuddler (just not in public) and I’m always there for those I care about. Seriously, don’t wait or it might be too late.” Bam!

Me: Ok, that’s pretty good. Oh wait, I almost forgot the ‘what I’m looking for’ part!

Me2: Oh here we go…

Me: I’d really like to find-

Me2: Nah nah nah. Grow a pair already. “If you ain’t got at least a C-cup (will consider B+), don’t even bother. And I’m talking natural..none of this bolted-on shit. You better have some meat on your bones, but not fat. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE. And somebody who likes to swal-”

Me: Oh good God, just stop right there!

Me2: What? Too much?

Me: Yes!

Me2: Tough. I know what I want.

Me: Well, how about you let me finish it off here.

Me2: Fine. Just don’t get too weepy.

Me: I guess I’d like to find someone who can share my geeky interests (Rock Band/zombie flicks/Futurama) but can still be sexy and funny and creative, all-in-one. Like Pert Plus, but in the form of an awesome girl. Anyway, give me a shout if you know what it’s all about (And bonus points to you if you know what movie the quote in my title comes from WITHOUT looking it up).

Me2: Nice one…NOT. I’m outta here.

Me: Where are you going?

Me2: Finding someone to hang out with who’s way more suave than you. Hey, what do you think Rico Suave is up to these days?

The Vote Star Wars Style – as found on CL

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html

Seriously, geek or not.. go read this. I liked it!

Reply from a married slime-ball

So, remember my Craig’s list ad?

I tries hard to write back to everyone – and say No thanks to the icky ones and espcially NO too the married ones … and this is what one married man wrote back: 

Hi, I’m going to try one more time and inquire about what you are REALLY seeking and ask why my being married matters.

You want to be satisfied sexually and my age doesn’t matter you say.  No where did you say you were seeking a relationship even if in the long run you do want to settle down with one great guy why would you pass up someone who is so compatible with what you seek until you find that guy.

I offer you no drama, no jealousy and sooo much oral talent and a great desire for a woman your size.  In the end you get it all and when you are in to being monogamous with some guy you meet, you and I just stop.  What more can you ask for.

Meet me for lunch one day….. look into my eyes… let our lips touch and see if there is magic and electricity.. and then decide.

Harvey

Craig’s List keeps me entertained!

oh, bad bad me!

I might have put a listing – or 2 up on Craig’s List. I had over 30 responces in 20 minutes!

I want to date a Loser! – stolen from CL

Hello! I’m looking for an expensive loser!! Could this be you? I don’t ask for much these days. At my age, the fish that used to be in the barrel are dwindling in number, so lets see if you stack up to my extremely high expectations:

1. Please do not have your own mode of transportation. I expect to pick you up and drive you everywhere, including dates that you can’t afford to take me on, work, to see your kids and to deliver you to your drug dealer’s at 3 in the morning.

2. Please have at least three addictions! I prefer alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Cocaine habit a plus! Please do not share your substances with me as I prefer to buy my own. In fact, please borrow my money to purchase yours!

3. Please live with your mother. If this is not possible becasue you don’t know who she is, then please live in a big house with five other guys and a six foot graffix bong you call “chewbongka”. Please have no furniture except a pool table and a kegerator. Your bed, if you have one, should be a futon matress on the floor soaked in cat piss, beer, or both.

4. If I get my way, you will not recognize any of the good things I do. Instead, you should gripe about imaginary things that you obsess about because of your meth addiction.

5. Do not be accountable at all for your actions. Please realize that if your life sucks, it’s clearly my fault and I should be a better girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you understood that it’s because of my lack of consideration that you are too hungover to work. It is also because of me that you end up in jail, therefore, I will bail you out and you won’t have to pay me back.

6. Please have poor credit. It’s part of my dream that I have to add you to my cell phone account and bank account because you are unable to obtain these things under the name you are currently using. You must be at least $40,000 in debt. That debt will not include a home or a car because you wouldn’t have either of those. If you do, you are automatically disqualified.

7. Always remember: POT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME! In fact, so is beer, and so are other women you don’t know. I should come about 8th on the list of important things in your life: behind blow jobs in balboa park but ahead of your family.

8. You must owe back child support that I will help you pay.

9. Please yell at me LOUDLY and OUTSIDE my front door so that I will be evicted.

10. Whatever you do, don’t cut your hair, shave, wear deoderant or brush your teeth. Also, wear shitty clothes when we go out… the last thing I need is to feel “proud” to be seen with you. Please spit in public and scratch your balls whenever you can. I would also appreciate it if your pants were so low that everyone could see your underwear and/or asscrack. Nothing says “hot” like pants that don’t fit. Sleeveless shirts a plus.

11. When we make out, say things to me like “grab it” and “suck me off”. I also LOVE to have a man put his hands on my head and push it into his crotch. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances try to give me an orgasm. This will only lead to pleasure, which I am not accustomed to.

So…do you meet my needs? If so, don’t ever call or write. I love waiting and wondering!

would you meet someone who doesn’t spellcheck his ad?

Date: 2007-09-29, 5:57PM PDT

I am in search of a Super BBW only, +250#, white or hispanic only, clean, healthy. I will spoil you with attention & respect & occasional gifts. Just be deliciously big, soft, natural and sane. I don’t care how you look, I don’t care if you are proportionate, just don’t waste time, be nice, be fun, be yourself.
I am for real! I will send picture and gladly answer your questions if you have any, otherwise lets just meet and take it from there. NO ENDLESS E-MAILS! Be ready to meet – my treat! IF YOU LOVE TO EAT A LOT- THIS ESPECIALLY TURNS ME ON! SEX & LOTS OF FOOR IS VERY SEXY!
I run a big company, travel often, very busy man. When not working, I like to eat, movies in/out, cuddle, have fun. I am not a drunk although I like a drink now and then, I don’t smoke although I like occasional cigar, I am not a dop head although I like to light up one occasionally, bottom line I am well balanced man. BE my ++BBW, you won’t regret. Reply with picture only, and be ready to meet!!

crazy ads I am tempted to answer…

Be available to interview today…BE IN THE VALLEY -ONLY VALLEY GIRL WANTED!
No sexual intercourse, but there is plenty of contact. pretty feet a plus, as you will be given foot massages. personal service required, and you must interview for the position. your daily attire will vary – panties and socks only, pantyhose only, tank top and panties only, etc.
you are a secretary, but a personal secretary in a home office, south of ventura blvd. (extra bedroom if you need it, pool, jacuzzi, sauna and gym).
be 18-35, slim, hot, NICE TITS AND ASS and a bit submissive.
I am a succesful investor and businessman. recently divorced, and have an open minded girlfriend who understands my tastes.
immediate hire!

“STEVE MCGINTY”

I am calling you out!

Listen you Panties wearing sissy, you owe me money and I am tired of being nice about it.

Tomorrow night I may have to go over to your mother’s street and start posting pictures of you in her cotton briefs.

Sunday I will post your picture on Craig’s list…. are you prepaired?

You have had more than enough fair warning!

Remember to go to Rudy’s Mexican Food and drop off an envelope of money for me in  care of Randy.

I will be looking!

How to date correctly

Stop whining! 

“Dating is hard”, Dating is scary“, “all the good men/women are taken or gay and I am not“, “finding someone is not possible“, “I am going to die alone”.

Seriously?!?!? If I hear any one of these phrases again this week, my ear will fall off and hop away from my phone!

Write this down: Dating is F-U-N!

Personally, dating is my favorite hobby. Dating is also a great way to network and make friends, Dating is a commonly shared dilemma that can bring you and your other single friends bonded together for support and creative searches.If dating is a trauma drama, STOP. Whatever you are doing is wrong.

Think of dating as standing at the Baskin Robins’ 31 flavor counter and think of the opposite sex as sitting on one of those mini spoons. Dating is taking a bite sized taste of being with someone and being able to toss the spoon before you buy the scoop.Your greatest hurdle will be “Where do I find someone to date”. The answer is simple. You will find them wherever you want to be. Literally.

Here is today’s example:

Tonight I was at my almost favorite restaurant (Rudy’s) for dinner with the family and I was asked out as I walked out the door. He already had one mark in his favor – he likes the same environment and food that I do. Right away i knew we could agree on food and if I go out with him; I know how much money to bring to get out of the restaurant having paid my fair share and escape with grace.

I find people who like what I like when I go to places I want to be. Duh! It sounds easy, but often we don’t make the time to get out of our homes and open up to the chance to meet newbies to our lives.

List your interests and hobbies. Now list the hobbies you WOULD have if you gave up an hour of television each night. Ahhh, see something taking shape? Cut out some of your internet perusing also… Wow – look at that!

You could have a life! Now, go live it. Open up the Chamber of Commerce web pages for the city you are in and those around you. Specifically look for your events and locations that cater to your tastes and GO THERE! Once you are there, LOOK FOLKS IN THE EYE and nod, smile, tip your hat…. acknowledge their existence. Talk to one of them. “DON’T PLAN TO MARRY THIS PERSON- JUST TALK TO THEM”. If they don’t chatter back at you, move on. Seek out the comfort of someone you enjoy. Invite them to coffee or to meet you at the same place next week…

Ask your friends who they know. Last night I was having dinner with 6 beautiful women – SINGLE women. So, I brought along a single guy friend. There was no love connection, but now he knows 6 more women and they have met one more single guy to keep in mind in case they find someone he might like. Single folk know other single folks – so ask them.  Go to parties, get-togethers, make your own weekend plans with friends, and talk to strangers.

Have a SAFE CALL. Sometimes those we agree to be alone with are freaks – and I don’t mean in the fun ways. Always tell a friend before hand where you are going, who you are meeting, and what time. (I know, sounds like telling your parents about your plans, but this is for your own good). Ask them to call you 15 to 20 minutes after the start time and have a phrase you can say to let them know you are with The Boogie Man and are not free to run away. Mine is “I’d kill for a banana right now” If you know me, you know why this works! This also gives you a chance to say “Hey, nice meeting you but there isn’t chemistry. I want to catch a movie with a friend, why don’t you come along”. It is okay to be nice to your rejects. Use that camera phone and surreptitiously take a snap of your date, you can MMS it to a friend so if you turn up missing the police have a photo ID of the last person to see you alive. I know, that is morbid, but…. Be safe. Sometimes I like to take pictures of the bad dates and blog them out or post them on Craigslist.com.

But then again, I may be evil!

TOM LYKIS listeners know that DATING MEANS SEX to him and his crowd. It does not have to mean sex to you.If you are going to be “having the sex”, use a condom. Every time. I don’t care that you won’t always have one on you –I can’t follow you around with a bag of Trojans! Don’t take a chance with your merchandise! There will be more on dating to come (like the pun?), but now I am tired and have to run out to a late night coffee with… a man.