more great stuff on Craig’s List

I have this fantasy about being in a relationship with a woman who I just adore, someone dominant, who knows what she wants, and someone who might want a submissive cuckold boyfriend. I long to be subjugated to you, to be underneath you, less than you, and I would be your cuckold boyfriend if you wish it. I would love to be close to you, to be allowed to cuddle with you, to please you, I especially would love to be allowed to pamper you, to bathe you, brush your hair, rub your feet, but if you decide that I’m to never be allowed to have sex with you, that I’m too submissive and pathetic to ever be worthy of such a thing, and that you would only let a real man have sex with you, I would accept my place. If you were to decide that I’m not really even a man, and to keep me locked in a chastity device, not allowed use of my penis at all, prevented from even being able to get an erection or to be able to touch my penis at all, I would accept, and give you the only key. And you could laugh at me, at how pathetic I am, at how I would never be able to satisfy a woman, with my limp little dick locked up in chastity while you give yourself to a real man… In truth, I even went and bought a chastity device recently… You could make me help prepare you for a date with a real man, or to go out and meet men, tease me and drive me crazy with lust and frustration, reminding me how I’m too pathetic to be allowed to have sex with you, and that I don’t deserve any release, or to be allowed to touch my penis at all. You could make me go with you, and flirt with guys right in front of me, telling them that I’m your bitch, and humiliating me in public. I would be submissive to you in all things, you could talk down to me, humiliate me in front of others, ridicule me, put me down, ruin me, take away my manhood, and tell me to do things, I would always obey you… You could have me serve you too, like a slave even, and in your daily life, cleaning after you, doing all your housework, serving you intimately, doing as I’m told. I just long to be your bitch really…

The difference between men and women is Capt’n Crunch ?

- another CL find-

O.K. – I’ve stumbled upon the crux(differences)between women and men….Men need sugar- and women need sticks(leaves, sprouts, oats)….You see- when we’re young- both boys and girls love Fruit Loops and Capt. Crunch…But as we get older- something happens in women- that doesn’t occur in men…Somewhere around 12- 13- girls(women)start to eat differently- they start to wander away from Fruit Loops and Capt. Crunch- and start foraging on sticks and grains and straw- while men continue slurping on cereal….Men never lose their desire for Capt. Crunch – Yet later in life- as women become mothers- we see them chastising their husbands for their refusal to eat sticks- and forcing their children to eat Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat(all the while looking at their father’s for relief)….

• .You can just imagine the horror at school- when the kid opens his/her lunch-pale and discovers a granola bar- instead of a Snickers Bar…..

What I’m proposing- is for women to re-discover their inner Fruit Loop- and try to re-connect with their dormant Capt. Crunch…This re-discovery will re-invigorate all your immediate and peripheral relationships- for the tacit benefit of all…Think about it – Your kids will be happier(less stress)- your husband will be happier(more sex)- and you’ll re-discover bowling and fishing – Which is really what life is all about, isn’t it?….So I’m just passing this enlightened discovery on to you(in the name of science)- in the hopes of creating a better harmony- and balancing the universe…

If any of this makes sense- then please put down your sprouts(home for aphids, knats and slug larve)- and pick up your spoon- and join me for breakfast…The first bowl is on me(hopefully not literally)…..Besides eating well- I like riding motorcycles, concerts at small venues, wine tasting and road-trips…Please inculde a pic(so I’ll have something other than the backs of cereal boxes to stare at)….

I think I am in love… another gift from Craig’s list

I’m homeless, under-educated, over-paid, drive a 20 year old jalopy and very cheap (I believe in lowering expectations). On the plus side I know the difference between a Half Nelson and a Half Windsor, NASDAQ and NASCAR, Lennon and Lenin, Spam and spam… and a few more useless tidbits of information that could ruin a perfectly good evening.

darn, I love Craigslist! -

“I Saved Latin…What Did You Ever Do??” – 25 (Culver City)
Reply to: pers-681341436@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-14, 11:52PM PDT

I found this big empty box a little daunting and I tried about a dozen different summaries, but they all seemed insincere so I decided to have a conversation instead.

Me: Well, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself: I’m just a regular guy looking for-

Me2: Yikes…

Me: What?

Me2: Really? That’s so boring.

Me: But it’s true.

Me2: No, no, how about “I’m an incredibly charismatic and sexy guy, once you get to know me. I can make you feel good in all kinds of ways.”

Me: Wow, ok, I guess that works. A little naughty.

Me2: Trust me.

Me: All right. Well, in addition to that, I’m really perceptive, imaginative, and -

Me2: *snore*

Me: What now?

Me2: Come on, you’re just rattling off adjectives now? Totally unoriginal!

Me: Oh…

Me2: Try this. “Once you get used to my dry sense of humor, I will make you piss your pants laughing. I’m smart too (*cough*Two degrees from UCLA in English and Economics*cough*). Sometimes my jokes go over even my own head. But don’t worry, I can make a poo joke now and again because, let’s face it, there’s almost nothing funnier than poo. And yes, I may put you in one of my screenplays, but hey, that comes with the territory if you’re going to hang out with a writer – a badass, kickass, awesomeass writer. But fear not, I always change the names to protect the guilty.”

Me: Hmm..that makes me sound kinda arrogant.

Me2: Don’t worry, chicks dig a little bit of that.

Me: Well, you know what’s best. *ahem* I place great value on my family and friends.

Me2: *Rolls eyes* Oh please.

Me: Fine! What would you say then?

Me2: “I’ve got great friends and a kickass family that I trust with my very life. I’ve already got a great support system, so don’t worry about me being one of those clingy guys that gets all possessive. You give me my space and I’ll give you yours.”

Me: I guess that sounds ok.

Me2: You bet your sweet keester, Meester.

Me: Well let me finish up by saying-

Me2: Oh, shut up already. “Honestly, I’m one of the coolest, funniest people I know so really you should act now before I’m off the market. Yes, you may get put on a waiting list, but I’m worth the wait. I’m a great listener, a cuddler (just not in public) and I’m always there for those I care about. Seriously, don’t wait or it might be too late.” Bam!

Me: Ok, that’s pretty good. Oh wait, I almost forgot the ‘what I’m looking for’ part!

Me2: Oh here we go…

Me: I’d really like to find-

Me2: Nah nah nah. Grow a pair already. “If you ain’t got at least a C-cup (will consider B+), don’t even bother. And I’m talking natural..none of this bolted-on shit. You better have some meat on your bones, but not fat. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE. And somebody who likes to swal-”

Me: Oh good God, just stop right there!

Me2: What? Too much?

Me: Yes!

Me2: Tough. I know what I want.

Me: Well, how about you let me finish it off here.

Me2: Fine. Just don’t get too weepy.

Me: I guess I’d like to find someone who can share my geeky interests (Rock Band/zombie flicks/Futurama) but can still be sexy and funny and creative, all-in-one. Like Pert Plus, but in the form of an awesome girl. Anyway, give me a shout if you know what it’s all about (And bonus points to you if you know what movie the quote in my title comes from WITHOUT looking it up).

Me2: Nice one…NOT. I’m outta here.

Me: Where are you going?

Me2: Finding someone to hang out with who’s way more suave than you. Hey, what do you think Rico Suave is up to these days?

The Vote Star Wars Style – as found on CL

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html

Seriously, geek or not.. go read this. I liked it!

Reply from a married slime-ball

So, remember my Craig’s list ad?

I tries hard to write back to everyone – and say No thanks to the icky ones and espcially NO too the married ones … and this is what one married man wrote back: 

Hi, I’m going to try one more time and inquire about what you are REALLY seeking and ask why my being married matters.

You want to be satisfied sexually and my age doesn’t matter you say.  No where did you say you were seeking a relationship even if in the long run you do want to settle down with one great guy why would you pass up someone who is so compatible with what you seek until you find that guy.

I offer you no drama, no jealousy and sooo much oral talent and a great desire for a woman your size.  In the end you get it all and when you are in to being monogamous with some guy you meet, you and I just stop.  What more can you ask for.

Meet me for lunch one day….. look into my eyes… let our lips touch and see if there is magic and electricity.. and then decide.

Harvey

Craig’s List keeps me entertained!

oh, bad bad me!

I might have put a listing – or 2 up on Craig’s List. I had over 30 responces in 20 minutes!

i laughed soo hard I almost pee’d when I read this

Okay, I am going to start this rant out by admitting a few things that you are probably already thinking. I know tanning is vain. I know that by owning a tanning salon I am probably thought of as a vacuous and plastic vanity Barbie who doesn’t know her ass from a “reality” special on VH1. I used to feel the same way. Incidentally, this is not true, I am an intelligent college graduate who enjoys being her own boss and lucked in to a successful business that was already well established when I bought it. That being said, I have a number of things and people that I would like to address, and I think I will start with the obvious.

1. To the people who tell me I’m peddling cancer, okay, I get that. I’ve never claimed that tanning is safe, or good for you, except when I say that a little vitamin d is healthy every once in awhile, and can really help with things such as psoriasis and seasonal affective disorder. Now that we know my feelings on the safety of my product, let me just say thank you to people who feel the need to come up and shout it in my face on a daily basis. Thank you falling down drunk girl with coke rimming your nostrils and a flaming Marlboro Red in your hand. Thank you for pointing out how dangerous tanning is. I can see you are doing everything in your power to ensure your future health. And I applaud you for it.

2. To the girl who came in to the salon with a yeast infection. I get it. I know from personal experience that the doctor told you that exposure to sunlight would help heal your little condition more quickly. I even get why you wanted to come to the tanning salon to get that exposure. It can be hard to find places to sun your naked beaver, what with nosy neighbors and public indecency laws, and I actually find your method to be rather reasonable. What I don’t, however, understand is why you decided to bring your box of Monistat 7 into the salon with you, and then leave it in full view, applicator and all, on top of the garbage in the can. Really? This didn’t seem a tad embarrassing to you? I mean didn’t you think I would notice these rather obvious, not to mention disgustingly offensive objects resting atop a mountain of baby wipes? Objects which were not there after previous clients who used that bed that day, making it glaringly obvious that you were the culprit? Could you not have perhaps, oh I don’t know, packed your trash? Or maybe wrapped them up in said baby wipes to hide them? Or at least shoved them under the other trash so I wouldn’t have to conjure up a visual of your leaking, itchy vagina shoved up towards the nice clean acrylic of my bed? Just a thought.

3a: To the people who want to bring someone in the room with them when they are tanning. Wait, what? Are you so insecure that you can’t even be alone in this strangely compromising situation? First off it’s totally illegal, and secondly it is dangerous. You may be wearing protective eyewear, but chances are your “guest” is not. Plus, I don’t really need a couple in the room together. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t want my other customers to think this place doubles as a brothel. I know, I know, I’m such a bitch, but I’m sure you understand. Oh you don’t? You are going to go somewhere else? Well good riddance to you then. Try the whorehouse at the edge of town. They actually encourage this type of behavior.

3b: Okay, I didn’t mean to have two sections to this problem, but I think that the story I’m about to tell you warrants it’s own paragraph. To the woman who brought her six-month-old child in and wanted to take her in the room with her while she tanned. WTF? Of course I understand that you are not going to actually “Put her in the bed with you”, as you so eloquently put it, but that is not a safe place for a child. Do you really think she will close her eyes the whole time she is in there? Do you really think that will help? There is a lot of ambient light that escapes the bed, and I don’t think you want to burn your child’s retinas. Now I really didn’t want to have to baby-sit your kid while you were in there, but I will in a situation like this, and you will be fucking lucky if she hasn’t been turned over to child protective services by the time your fifteen minutes are up. Fuck. P.S., thanks for fucking changing her diaper in the room and then throwing that shitty thing in the tiny garbage can. I understand that the dumpster outside is all of twenty feet away, and a real nuisance to get to. So by all means, just leave it in there to stink the joint up and don’t bother to mention it to me at all. At least you had the brains to bury it under the other garbage unlike some fuckwads. XOXO.

4. To the person who peed in the garbage can in the room. OMG. Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t even really know how to start on this one. I know what it’s like to have to go really bad, I do. I don’t think there is a person in this world that doesn’t. And I understand that you are naked and in the middle of your tanning session and don’t really want to get dressed, turn the bed off, run to the toilet and then have to get undressed and resume your tanning session. But seriously? Wouldn’t that be preferable to pissing in my trashcan? I mean, the room is tiny and so is the can, and I don’t even know how you pulled off such a logistically challenging feat in the first place. And I get that we were busy that day, and maybe you thought I wouldn’t notice or know who you are, but there were only two of you in there on that particular day, and now I feel weird when either one of you comes in. And trust me, I know it was embarrassing for you, and therefore you couldn’t explain to me what you had done, but imagine how I felt when I went to dump the can into another and ended up with pee all over my hands, arms and carpet. I cried for a long time. And luckily some sweet young kid came in at just that moment and took care of the situation for me out of the goodness of his heart because he felt so sorry for me, or else I might have tracked you both down and tortured you until I found out who did it. And then peed on you. Oh, and to my friends who tried to convince me it was just Mountain Dew. It wasn’t. Being drenched in someone else’s pee is a memorable and rare experience, and the sweet young guy and myself are both positive that it was, in fact, urine. So thanks for that.

5. To the people who come in wearing an outfit and leave missing a part of it, wtf? How do you enter a place wearing two socks and leave with only one? Aren’t you like, “wait, my one foot is cold and I’m not sure why”? And why is it always the most disgustingly dirty and rank sock in the whole world? And why should I have to touch it to throw it in the garbage? And how in the world did you manage to not notice it sitting in the middle of the room when you gathered up your stuff to leave? My favorite was the girl who left her sports bra here, that was a fun one to deal with. And the underwear in the garbage can? Classy, and enjoyable. Thanks. Much appreciated.

6. To the new guy that signed up for his first time, and when I tried to put him in the front room insisted that he really likes the one in the back. The far back, furthest away from the main lobby. Do you really think you don’t instantly stand out as a pervert? And thanks for the animal noises that were emanating from your room the entire time. I went ahead and had one of the boys next door come over and wait with me until you left. We had a good time making fun of you and letting everyone else in the parking lot know what you were doing while you were in there. Yep, that’s why so many people were standing around staring at you when you left. I was not however, stoked on having to clean up the bed after you left. I took extra towels in, careful not to touch the one you had “used”, and then threw them all away immediately after cleaning the bed. To you, hairy, disgusting man who likes to masturbate in tanning salons, I have only one true thanks to give you. Thanks for never coming back again. I would have felt the need to call the police on you. And that wouldn’t have been fun for any of us.

7. Finally, to the fake, pretentious So-Cal sluts that come in looking every bit the embodiment of a true tanning aficionado, thanks for acting like such a cunt to me. Thanks for pointing out that I am not that tan, and that I don’t look the part of a tanning salon owner, and that my jeans are ripped, that I have dark hair-not skanky platinum blonde, or fake tits, or I’m reading a book that wasn’t assigned to me in class, or I’m knitting, or whatever, non-shopping/tanning/getting my hair or nails done/texting about how drunk and slutty I got the night before at the bar thing you think a tanning salon owner should be doing. Thanks. You are a delight to serve, with your ugly designer bag with some stupid letters on it that cost more than my car, your bitchy, hair flipping attitude, your demandingness, your condescension, your eye-rolling, all of it. Just thanks. Stop for a minute and realize that just because I work here it is not my life. It is a job, and a rather thankless one at times. And people like you are the cause of that. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else where they do fit the bill and will give you the same attitude back. Cuz my friends and me are already laughing at you anyway, and it really doesn’t make a difference to me. Leatherface. Muah.

I want to date a Loser! – stolen from CL

Hello! I’m looking for an expensive loser!! Could this be you? I don’t ask for much these days. At my age, the fish that used to be in the barrel are dwindling in number, so lets see if you stack up to my extremely high expectations:

1. Please do not have your own mode of transportation. I expect to pick you up and drive you everywhere, including dates that you can’t afford to take me on, work, to see your kids and to deliver you to your drug dealer’s at 3 in the morning.

2. Please have at least three addictions! I prefer alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Cocaine habit a plus! Please do not share your substances with me as I prefer to buy my own. In fact, please borrow my money to purchase yours!

3. Please live with your mother. If this is not possible becasue you don’t know who she is, then please live in a big house with five other guys and a six foot graffix bong you call “chewbongka”. Please have no furniture except a pool table and a kegerator. Your bed, if you have one, should be a futon matress on the floor soaked in cat piss, beer, or both.

4. If I get my way, you will not recognize any of the good things I do. Instead, you should gripe about imaginary things that you obsess about because of your meth addiction.

5. Do not be accountable at all for your actions. Please realize that if your life sucks, it’s clearly my fault and I should be a better girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you understood that it’s because of my lack of consideration that you are too hungover to work. It is also because of me that you end up in jail, therefore, I will bail you out and you won’t have to pay me back.

6. Please have poor credit. It’s part of my dream that I have to add you to my cell phone account and bank account because you are unable to obtain these things under the name you are currently using. You must be at least $40,000 in debt. That debt will not include a home or a car because you wouldn’t have either of those. If you do, you are automatically disqualified.

7. Always remember: POT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME! In fact, so is beer, and so are other women you don’t know. I should come about 8th on the list of important things in your life: behind blow jobs in balboa park but ahead of your family.

8. You must owe back child support that I will help you pay.

9. Please yell at me LOUDLY and OUTSIDE my front door so that I will be evicted.

10. Whatever you do, don’t cut your hair, shave, wear deoderant or brush your teeth. Also, wear shitty clothes when we go out… the last thing I need is to feel “proud” to be seen with you. Please spit in public and scratch your balls whenever you can. I would also appreciate it if your pants were so low that everyone could see your underwear and/or asscrack. Nothing says “hot” like pants that don’t fit. Sleeveless shirts a plus.

11. When we make out, say things to me like “grab it” and “suck me off”. I also LOVE to have a man put his hands on my head and push it into his crotch. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances try to give me an orgasm. This will only lead to pleasure, which I am not accustomed to.

So…do you meet my needs? If so, don’t ever call or write. I love waiting and wondering!

would you meet someone who doesn’t spellcheck his ad?

Date: 2007-09-29, 5:57PM PDT

I am in search of a Super BBW only, +250#, white or hispanic only, clean, healthy. I will spoil you with attention & respect & occasional gifts. Just be deliciously big, soft, natural and sane. I don’t care how you look, I don’t care if you are proportionate, just don’t waste time, be nice, be fun, be yourself.
I am for real! I will send picture and gladly answer your questions if you have any, otherwise lets just meet and take it from there. NO ENDLESS E-MAILS! Be ready to meet – my treat! IF YOU LOVE TO EAT A LOT- THIS ESPECIALLY TURNS ME ON! SEX & LOTS OF FOOR IS VERY SEXY!
I run a big company, travel often, very busy man. When not working, I like to eat, movies in/out, cuddle, have fun. I am not a drunk although I like a drink now and then, I don’t smoke although I like occasional cigar, I am not a dop head although I like to light up one occasionally, bottom line I am well balanced man. BE my ++BBW, you won’t regret. Reply with picture only, and be ready to meet!!