Sometimes I like a little D/s… sometimes I HATE the way losers play in it:

#1) A submissive is not a doormat. Don’t expect me to do whatever you say when we are not in the bedroom. No I won’t clean up your apartment, no I won’t wake up at three am to fuck you, and no I will not leave work early because you can’t just jack off like everyone else does. Listen, I am totally turned on when you order me around in the bedroom, it’s totally hot. However, it is annoying in my vanilla life, I am just as busy as you are, so lay off. If I wanted that kind of subservience I would move to Saudi Arabia.

#2) Sending me an email saying you’re a Dom, doesn’t make you my Master. Seriously, if I sent you an email claiming I was a cardiologist would you let me give you an angioplasty? I am just as protective of my snatch as you are of heart. When I get an email from you immediately giving me an order to take down my ad, send you a nude picture, etc, I show it to my roommate and we laugh at what an asshole you are. My lack of reply should be an indication to you of how well this strategy works. It’s even better when you send me a second even more demanding email. Christ dumb ass, it’s not working, try something else. Try slowing down, would it really kill you to have a cup of coffee to get to know me a little first.

#3) No, your friend cannot watch or join us. I don’t know your friend, and I don’t want to fuck him.

#4) NSA means NSA. I am not looking for a husband. If I were I would be married by now. If I meet you on Casual Encounters, it probably means I am not going to move in with you. Again, I have a life too. Having said that, if you would like to see me again, just ask. I might say yes if the sex was fun. Don’t send me creepy emails asking how I’m doing and don’t drive by my house seeing if I’m home. This kind of behavior makes me think I should call the sheriff to see if your address has been updated in the offender registry. Oh, and Brian, stop sending me text messages. You were a lousy lay, and you cell phone has a virus, which fucks up my phone every time you send me one of your inane messages. Go the fuck away.

#5) Don’t expect me to suck your cock without any reciprocation. No fun for my pussy means no second date for you, period. Submissives like oral sex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love sucking cock, but it is not enough to keep me interested in you for more than twenty minutes. Additionally, if I have sucked your cock for half an hour and you still refuse to cum I am throwing you out of my apartment. I don’t care if you still have a raging boner, my gay neighbor will get to enjoy watching you struggle to unlock your car with a hard on.

#6) Seriously, your friend cannot watch.

#7) Yes, we have to meet in public the first time. Also, no I won’t come to your apartment, never having met you and put on a blindfold without seeing you first. I also will not get into your car with you and let you drive me some place I’ve never been before. Safety clown says those are bad ideas. I like being tied up and fucked. I do not like being tied up, fucked, injected with drain cleaner, and strangled. I don’t know you, and you haven’t gained my trust. And yes, I want your real name, address, and phone number. I will give it to my roommate so he can check up on me if I don’t come home in time. This is common sense, and if you are a real Dom you will always put our safety first. If you don’t want to tell me your name you are hiding something and I don’t want to deal with you.

#8) Married guys, get fucking lost. Cheating on your wife leads me to believe you are a despicable piece of shit, don’t email me. Put a little effort into your marriage or get divorced asshat.

#9) Under no circumstances will I do the We/we, D/s bullshit while we IM. I/it I/is I/inane.

#10) Enough pictures of your cocks already! Again, I just show these to my roommate for our amusement (and he’s a queer). Bonus points to all you gentlemen who send me a penis pic when you have a really small cock. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

#11) Again, your friend cannot watch. Who is that guy anyway? Wasn’t he in Deliverance?

#12) You may not call me bitch, slut, or whore outside the bedroom. If you do, don’t be surprised if I go nuclear on your ass. I have a name, use it. If not I might be forced to refer to you as daddy in public.

#13) If you don’t respect and like women, don’t email me. If you hate women and want a blowjob, I can hook you up with my gay roommate.

#14) If I spend two hours getting ready for our playdate I expect you to put a little effort in to getting ready as well. At least shower, no one likes that musty ball smell.

Listen, I am a nice, smart woman who just happens to like a little spanking and bondage. I am sure most of you are nice men who like the same things. I’m sure we can work this out. Post these guidelines by your computer before you answer the next ad and I’m sure it will work out for you. Happy hunting you naughty bastard.

Should you be friends with a former lover?

Hmmmm….

Me? I am a little loud and emotional and don’t just burn my bridges, I commit emotional arson. I yell and cry and make men cry too. I guess that is like my latent talent, I make men cry.

Now, while this is really handy when I am blackmailing Steve, it is a little disturbing to havbe a giant hunk of a man (that I was thinking about diving to my knees in front of for an extended period of time) turn in to a giant hairy blubbering ball before my eyes! Also, it means that when I do finally dump his ass, I have to make damned good and sure that he cries or else I will feel unimportant!

At any rate, now that you are sure I am evil – I am to relationships as Bin Ladin is to world peace – I have a point to make. If I liked someone enough to feel for them emotionally and STILL get naked with them (face it, a fast furious one night blind f*ck is fine and terrific but it takes effort to get nakey nakey with someone you have to see all the time), why would I give that up just because I don’t want to be all romantic and stuff?

I am a greedy bitch and I keep my men. I keep them as friends, I know any wives subsequent to our dating, I get Christmas cards and presents. I love that because I love them.

It is a little uncalled for to be walking around Burbank on a cell phone and have an ex remark about the happiness of subsequent lovers over his oral sex giving skills. I mean, DUH, I KNOW you give good head, you have given it to me time and again and sometimes I stay up nights wondering if it was real or a crazy porno sexual false memory implanted by aleins to drive me nuts! But, I can’t say that.

Seriously, what do you think?

Dating mix’n'match

Here I am in Burbank California with one of the greatest men I know… I mean, do You know anyone else whose butt has won trophies? He is bright and smart and most of all kind. It kills me that he is single.

Here I should tell you that awesome as the Cowboy is, I am only sexually attracted to his voice. If any man with THAT voice did phone sex , I would be broke in a New York Minute. It has depth and reonance and ranges across the acceptable man pitches. And yet, I would personally die of awkwardness if I ever heard him say “panties”, or “penis”, or “this weekend I went to a group sex session at Cal Tech, who knew geeks could be soo sexy?”.

I have a gang of single girlfriends, and at least a few of them have never dated someone as awesome as The Cowboy. How do I fix them up?

The thing is, I have seen all my girlfriends naked, so is it cheating to tell him which ones really have good bodies and which ones keep up appearances via control top pantyhose?

Also, I know (NOT FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE) that this man is freaky deeky in the bedroom. As I write this, it suddenly occures to me that I am really really close to his bedroom and I don.t know that I could hang here if I knew one of my friends had been tied up and spanked in there!

Alas, the good guys are always single. I chose to believe that is why I am too!

Blackmail

This little boy better pay up, signs like this are starting to show up. Hey STEVE, would you like me to blog your entire name?<br> <img src=”http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y233/sunnycal/steve.jpg“></a><hr> Maybe I should turn the sign so it is easier to read?<br> Bad, bad little panty-boy!

I write dirty mean sex stories better then the CL responders…

WARNING, this is ADULT CONTENT 

favorite punishment…
I was bad one day and came over wet from fingering myself as I drove

once I was kissed hello He put his hand in my panties and found the
wetness.  He immediately sat down in a big chair and pulled me across
his lap where he proceeded to spank me, and then caress my butt  with
his hands before whacking me again. he rammed his fingers into me
mercilessly and reminded me that “that” was His.  Then he took me
outside, tied my hands over my head and attached the rope to his t
awning.
I was helpless and wearing a dress, bra and no pantries. He came back
with scissors and cur them open from the front and went back inside.
Half an hour later he returned with a cold blindfold and s
bottled water into my mouth.
Then I heard it – the sound of voices. Men’s voices were talking
about… about ME!

he knows I am shy but invited his friends over  to see me nude and
helpless. I am their sex pinata. I feel mouths and hands and fingers
all over me. I squirm to make myself disappear, ,, but I can’t.

I hear his voice telling his friends that I act like my pussy doesn’t
belong to only him, so he is going to go to Starbucks and while I am
gone, i can be their Sex Pinata’

I had mouths on my breasts, sucking and biting, someone pulled up a
chair an sat in it  and then the men lifted me so my legs went round
his shoulders. He practically drank me, and then I heard the camera
shutter clicking,  Someone tried fucking my ass while I was being
eaten and the parade of hands and mouths didn’t stop for 20 minutes.

When he came back, his friends left, after kissing me one after the other.

It was soo cold and wet… I was soaked by the garden hose. He had
escorted his friends out the front door and come into the garden and
grabbed the hose. HE told me I was a dirty sex piggy and needed to be
cleaned.  He put the hose in my pussy and I felt the water filling me
up and spilling back out. I came so hard. I was being f*cked by water!

Having a second hose aimed at my ass was not as much fun!

Eventually he took off my blindfold and let me apologize for playing
with His Property. He let my hands down and retied them lower to the
post. He left me out there for another hour until I dried, then gave
me a robe and sent me home

“Mar’s” idea of a response to my Craig’s List ad

be here at 8pm wed night. you’ll be lost.  you’ll see a man in a white button down shirt smoking. you ask him if he lives close by because you need to use phone. he says he lives next door and you follow him into his place. he points out his phone and as you reach for it you’re pushed down on the bed with your arms held behind your back, feet still on the floor. you hear a voice in your ear telling you to spread your legs and not make a sound. forcefully he pulls your skirt up and pushes your ass cheeks apart. you feel him start to lick your cunt slowly. you’re scared but can’t fight back. your juices start flowing, he lets go of your arms and says, “you’re shaved. good, because otherwise i’d have to punish you.” you reach back and spread your ass for him. he licks from your cunt to your ass, slowly circling your tight hole. you feel something cold spread on your ass. he jumps up and puts an arm around your throat and two fingers in your mouth. “don’t make a sound or you will be punished later,” you hear.  you feel something big pressing against your ass. you feel his powerful arms around you and decide you can’t fight it. it’s slowly going in and stretching your ass. you want to scream but don’t want further punishment. just when you think you can’t take anymore it’s the whole way in. he turns on the vibrator and pain turns to intense pleasure. you feel his cock rubbing against your clit. you’re trying to push back against him but he keeps moving away teasing you. “you must earn this” you feel a large object being inserted into your cunt. when it’s fully in it also begins to vibrate. you start to moan in ecstasy. he turns of the vibrations and flips you over. he tells you that he’s going to take you out in public now and that you’d better not cum or let either of the toys slip out or else you’ll be punished. as he’s leading you out the door you wonder if you should be bad so you can receive your punishment….

Why do men cheat?

I totally understand why men WANT to cheat,

• strange is good?
• one woman who loves you isn’t enough
• 3 women who say they love you means you are more loved and love-able?
• I need the adventure of leading a double life
• it is fun to play with the hearts of women because a. I hate those bi-itches or b. I can
• no one woman is enough for me

but, I don’t understand PROMISING that you will be faithful and then deliberately looking elsewhere.

I would rather have a man who slept around and owned his sexuality and adult choices than a man who had to play mind games.

It is disrespectful to a wife and to a lover to lie to one or both of them

This comes to mind because my 60 year old neighbor has been sleeping with a man for the last year. A week ago he dropped off the radar. Because he had given me his number, I have been calling it for a week. Late last night I received a phone-call from a woman. She wanted to know who I was and hy i knew her husband of 22 years. I gave the phone to my neighbor lady and let them work it out.

 It turns out that “Rick” has been married for 22 yearsto the same woman and for the last year he has been dropping her off at work and picking her up from work. In the hours in between, he has been schtooping my neighbor. Who knew?

Only the cheating bastard. His wife found out her husband was a cheater at the same time his girlfriend found out she was the other woman.

Yikes.

If I dodn’t love them soo much I would swear men are pigs.

someone accused me of Purple Prose,

actually, they said I write like a catalogue: in particular the Upper Echelon Elitist catalogue from Seinfeld, you remember Jerry Seinfeld don’t ya?

In my defence, I use words as a way to eek out a living… When I talk to you, I want you to see, feel, taste and hear what I am telling you.

When I say: “Your lips were warm and heavy when pressed against mine. As you shifted position to lay your mouth on mine at a different angle a sliver of chapped skin drew over my bottom lip like a tiny pebble of sand. Just that one imperfection reminded me – this is reality and it is forever better than fantasy.” , I want you to remember every flawed kiss you have had, or smooch made atop a bunny slope when the Chap-stick was out of reach and far from your mind.

Is that so wrong?

what P.OR.N. means to me.

Persperation
on
real
nerds

for kicks and thrills I watch Rocket Scientist from NASA and JPL. play softball. Because I have a thing for brainy men… this is what porn means to me.

unmentionables

so… yesterday was another underwear day for me.

1. Lindsay Lohan was arrested (not for lack of underwear, but when your cooch is that sad a show it should be).

2. I took a friend bra and pantie shopping.

She asked me why panties are important and I realized no one had really explained the concept to her. In case you also missed the lecture on “how underwear made civilization possible”, I will recap.

a. cave people tried nudity and then sat down on the ground only to discover that their butts had been invaded by bugs seeking warmth, moisture, and nutrition. Don’t be shocked… you have seen maggots in the movies and know flies like to eat poop. Many other bugs do too.

men evolved and bugs have changed but not enough to make it safe to plop damp hot unprotected private parts anywhere invasion is likely.

b. hygiene. Me? I make sure nothing is “out of bounds” and that everything is sanitary and smells fresh as a daisy. However, occasionally I will be sitting down and a woman will pass me smelling foul, rank , and not so fresh. At those moments I miss the commercials where a mother pulls douche out of the laundry machine or is carrying it with her on a trip to the beach. I personally don’t want to sit where anyone with coochie cheese has been pressing her flesh to the chair!

c. mystery. When I see a hot man I cream. I get hot and bothered and wet. This is my private joy and no one else needs to know until I want them too. Panties give me an extra layer of absorption and protection.

what are your thoughts?